AA Speaker Tom B Jr. – "Surrender to Win"

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I'm my name is Tom Brady Jr I'm an alcoholic I had a drink since July twentieth nineteen sixty-five that'll be good and the least you could have done was get somebody did introduced me besides him the gym frightens me Jim's one of those deep and profound thinkers did you know that you know he has brain damage he doesn't have the two neurons left up here and every once in a while they bumped together and he has a big brain fart and that's the extent of his deep thinking all of you y'all not but Jim used to be a wino out in Los Angeles and him another window woke up one morning and Jim punch the guys that I had the best dream ever had in my life last night and the other guys who would you dream he said I've dreamed mama called me home gave me $25 told me to go spend the whole day at Disneyland the other one else did you go he said yeah I had a good time so I'll make him out Donald Duck and Goofy and go to all right O'Donnell said hey does not a better dream than that and Tim said well with you dream he said I dreamed I'd a luxury apartment two cases of Jack Daniels came a knock on the door the two most beautiful women he ever saw came and started taking their clothes off and jailed was all caught up in the story he said why didn't you call me another 10 said I did your mama told me is it Disney like I want to apologize to the afternoon speakers for not being here to here yes I'm sure you did a good job I have emphysema and sometimes what I want to do and what I have to do conflict and I just had to stop for a while this afternoon and so that's the reason I wasn't here and I want to thank y'all for having me back up Indiana you're good good people up here and it's amazing and very humbling truly all of the people who have thanked me today for the help that apparently given them over the years I still don't lie to respond to that other than thank God for you know using me because I'm not a special person I'm a garden-variety drunk and I have to keep that in mind and it's amazing what God can do with a bunch of drunks in it it's amazing and I'm here for two reasons one of them alcohol and the other ones God and alcohol beat me down to a point where there was nothing left there was no fight left in me I will stand in right at death's door and I knew it and God picked me up and stood me on my feet and brought me into this bunch of people and has transformed me into an entirely new person and I've less alcohol I'm grateful to alcohol and I'm grateful to God it's a simple program to say hey stuff you know it's not a program based on thought in my experience when I started thinking that just produces more thinking and that produces more thinking and that produces more thinking and one great spiritual teacher set up on one occasion which of you by taking thought could add one cubit to his stature and this program is not based on feelings or emotions it's a spiritual program and it means it's based on one thing and it's action and and it's like so many of your sponsors have told you that my sponsor told me no matter what you think no matter how you feel there are certain things you've got to do if you want to stay sober now there are a lot of people in the world still trying to figure out what's wrong with people like you and me you know now if you've noticed up in Indiana and North Carolina all over the country victimhood is a growth industry if you notice that God is more victims than we turned as one you know and out of their victims in this world god bless them but I know little from what this program has taught me that they're going to remain victims until they can bring themselves to forgive those who victimize them it's their choice and there's no boy than North Carolina's company had typed Miriam not long ago say that alcoholics are victims too we're victims of narcissistic wounding and what we need is self esteem and I thought to myself well shit now I don't know if anyone ever wounded in my narcisse's I don't know that I think hope I got one you know but I know I didn't come in there to get self-esteem I came here to survive and what y'all told me is one of the keys to your survivals you got to stop being a victim time you got to take responsibility for your life and accountability for your behavior this is the spiritual programs for responsibility accountability all those things that I fought it for so many years you know I don't know about you I'm kind of tired of victimhood I wonder what's coming next Beth did Hanna night us i guess or something like that but you know one of my favorite plans is the Eagles and on their new album hell freezes over they got a song about victims and I kind of like it so turn on the tube what do I see a whole lot of people crying don't blame me they wave their crooked little fingers with everybody else men all the time feeling sorry for themselves victim of this victim of that your mama's tooth in your dad is too fast get over all this whining and crying and pitching a fit get over it it's like going to confession every time I hear you speak you're making the most of your losing streak some call it sick but I call it weak because you're dragging around like a ball and chain you all in the guilt you wallet the pain you wear it like wave it like a flag wear it like a crown got your mind in the gutter bringing everybody that bitch about the present blame it on the past I'd like to find your inner child and kick is the last you know [Applause] you know intellectuals don't understand this program depends hey does though you know when the book out all acknowledge some subs in 1939 it was reviewed by an intellectual for the journal and the American Medical Association and he found and i quote absolutely nothing of redeeming value in the book alcoholics mounts and a quote the other day i was up in the integral office in charlotte and secretary Hanna business flyer from gso it seems like more than 15 million copies of the big book alcoholics mountains have been sold it's now translated in 30 languages sign language Braille tape and more people read the big book on a daily basis that any other book in the world aside from the Bible and the Quran I would submit that it has some kind of redeeming value but intellectual just can't bring themselves to understand this thing you know it's too simple you know can you imagine me trying to explain my recovery to an election police said now you can sober a long time he must be a very strong person that's Ben Nelson a pretty weak and what i said is my weakness after getting well he would say to me that makes no sense and i'd say i do it then so what do you do we all go to meetings he said group there then those are just a bunch of drugs we get together and talk Wow up to hey there then makes no sense of family he said what else do you do I got a sponsor ah psychotherapist no sir he's a plumber and he says that make no sense that I know again what else do you do we have this program on now the great psychologist metaphysicians and theologians got together laid you're out of path Fenton no sir was put together by bunch of drunks and they prevent another done well who founded this outfit I was founded by a bankrupt stock broker and a proctologist who had lost his ass [Laughter] he says that bit is just too damn so he says well how's it work as it worked real good so far I like the last I believe laughter and tears of god's way to clean out our hearts and clean out our souls I remember for years I couldn't cry and what came in a first six months is here all day with cry all you have to do say hello to now start crying and I didn't laugh unless it was cynical laugh if you feel that hurt yourself I just break up and what nice things in the world is to be able laugh and cry you know to be human comments that's a trip in it being human there's a simple program you know we're all philosophers we sit around meetings and try to WoW everybody with our profundity and hear your dishes and a sponsor boy homes it wasn't me was it me I said go look it up he cared the dictionary with it to me and we just mouth off to know about profound banks and we discussed the first three steps for instance up i've been in 10,000 discussion meeting go first three steps good stuff man but its simplicity itself you know when I was a little child I knew when I was beyond my limits y'all did too and when I was beyond my limits it was second nature to me to get somebody bigger to help me and seemed like when I do that the situation would get handled okay I remember his kid I grew up with his name was Ronnie is it felt this kid I was all my life you could smell them coming two blocks away trying to pick boogers out his nose put him in his hair spin it I got all over there Ronnie's a good baseball player we put it on shortstop and say played deep Ronnie please real deep as mom and daddy were street drunk and everybody take care of them I like Ronnie a lot I scared I was always scared but I take him home women sometimes mother meet us on the porch with two tubs one for his clothes and one for him before you'd ever do a nap and he'd stay with us sometimes a week and he loved my mom and daddy I can beat running at two things like a beat him shooting marbles and I could outrun it which was good because I scared and marbles are simple we shoot marbles if you win you get all of our oh those are the rules and i win and Ronnie to take my mouth ever done by scared to Ronnie so I go get my daddy I said daddy Ronnie got my marbles he said you win son I'd say yes sir he said it's not right let's go get them and we go over to Ronnies me I think Ronnie Stovall Marvel just gets name of that because if they sound you got time as marble TZ hazard you win no sir that's not right give them back ok now let's examine the first three steps first step says I've lost my marbles and I can't get them back second step says but I know if I get somebody bigger I have a chance to get them back and third step says she turns over to the bigger one and you got your marbles back there's nothing really profound about that is yeah and sometimes I and others I'll but you know get all screwed around on what this deal is all about we got the best textbook on the face of God dirt says in the beginning that book we have Alcoholics Anonymous of more than 100 who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body the purpose of this book to explain precisely how we recovered precisely and they're going to do so and i'm one of those who believes that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a system and if I fulfilled the conditions of that system then the things that happened to the ones who wrote that book shall happen to me that's what they promise and if I don't fulfill the conditions of that system there's no way these things can happen to me and I was always one of those people the system applied to you not me I always wanted to beat the system or go around the system somehow and it just doesn't work that way you'll ever get bored without homes here we get bored we're doing the same thing over and over and over and over again I did but redundancy is the way that we learn redundancy is the way characters changed friend of mine says you saw a thought you reap an action to an action Reba habit you saw habits you read the character it's the truth I can't change one thing about me by thinking but through action over and over and over and over again certain things become second nature to me sometimes I wish you didn't I used to could hold the depression for weeks man I get depressed by the tail out let it drag ground I would you damn well know I'm depressed so you've asked me are you depressed so i can tell you none of your damn business you know i can't maintain as depression anymore cuz i'm no better it's uncomfortable and there's certain things i do which have saved my life through the years these redundant boring constantly got to have to go that meeting again with those people I don't like them anyway yeah you got to go in AAS become to me not a bunch of people it's become my family that's very spammy on the face of God's earth and I love being with my brothers and I love being with my sisters and its first place on earth this is the truth that I ever really felt that I truly belong you know that I truly matched what was going on now I'm an alcoholic in and what I mean by that is I've always believed that anything that feels good should be done to excess to feel good overdo it so I've had problems with love things sometimes they eat too much you know I eat a big meal and you said oh boy that's good and then you die in for the next three days sometimes I overdo do it nothing I've have trouble got I'm in trouble sex and you'll have trouble sex I remember what I found out it felt good not by myself just like all the over and in spite of some dire warnings from my mother a certain part of my anatomy would go right off and I was going to go blind I figured it felt so good I keep on killing near-sighted and I succeeded in that effort myself an alcoholic I mean if I like the Tasmanian devil sometimes y'all ever get that way you like a ping-pong ball you got to everything one time do it all perfectly you ever try to see and call me here at the same time kind of messy in I've always been a great starter and a poor finisher and that two basic speeds fast forward and stop it doesn't seem like a big problem man when I was hurting because of alcohol fast forward I won't help I want it now help me help me help me help me now start feeling better and I put it on stop and go right back and did what made me hurt in the first place you see people come in the doors of our program and they're dying and there won't definitely really are and in 10 days they disappear Wow because things got good if I had the worst enemy in my life and things going bad everything's going to do they had this knack of when things were going good pulling the whole thing down around my head like the big book says when things get good that can be bad let's make complacency sets in that's when the little monkey jumps on my shoulder again so how you don't need to go that being the night now and he'll need to call you sponsor no you don't need to read big book you're doing okay boy and first thing you know I'm in bad shape now the holock I've always been in a hurry and I'm one of the quick fix I've always believed in magic and the reason for that is unlazy now talk that alcoholics and you know silently their workday two hours are sweet he talking about that how many meetings you go to on enough time how much you read in the big book oh well you talk your sponsor know then you lazy it's amazing how hard I work to be an alcoholic there's no harder job and I expect the sobriety to be a slide give it to me and give it to me now fix me God with your magic wand as soon as I asked warms the seating they all ten years surviving right now effortlessly got news for you ain't no magic magic by definition is illusion they don't last all these things I didn't sell was it swear I am this way oh I've always seen things in either or terms you know we down the best or the worst either it's up for it down you know and all of life is somewhere in the middle i remember going to now my meeting one night and some of these ladies no meeting on it and it's their time what you talk to us about balance I said I'd be glad to you tell me what it is I said it must be that point that I passed on the way from one extreme to the other balance it even my dictionary moderation never was in my dictionary I went whole hog at everything now I'm an alcoholic that quite simply means this I'll live in a body that will handle I'm home they didn't never would every time I put out all in this body this body sent me a message and the message was quite clear and quite demanding get some more that stuff and get it right now that's what my body said to me now science tells me this is because I biochemical genetic disorder having to do with the hypothalamic information control centres in my brain Ellen sent it I don't either treason ungrateful Bravo genomes they say you'll ergic to alcohol you know a problem a man and the scientists tell me is because they have his narcissistic ego centric or dominated by feelings of omnipotence intended all costs on maintaining its own inner integrity alcoholics anonymous says you strangely insane take your pick and then we come to the point that differentiates Alcoholics Anonymous from all other attempts to help an alcoholic the big book says we've been mentally and physically ill but we've been spiritually sick also and then it says an astounding thing y'all once the spiritual malady has overcome then we straighten out mentally and physically spiritual 90 the world is that you know with my man I've always been an idealist and a perfectionist hyper sensitive romantic dreamer and I never was satisfied of life or me or you like it was always wanted more and in order to have things my way that scares me to death if I didn't have things going my way I manipulated you and icons you and I used you and I lied to you and when you do that to other people they want to gain some control also in a wall came up between me and my brothers and my sisters and when I got a wall between me and my brothers and my sisters I'm convinced there's a wall also between me and my god and I became separated and isolated and disconnected from man and God because of my efforts to control and when you're disconnected and y'all know what I'm talking about you know loneliness like you ain't ever imagines loneliness beam and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that these drunks gave us says quite simply if you quit trying to control people you know and take a look at that wall that you built and hand take out the stones in it that separates you from your brothers and your sisters and your God and walk through and join up with them and repair the damage you've done in the past God will restore your sanity and if God restores your Senate that you won't drink again and if you don't drink it in your body cannot send you that message that's utter simplicity because you see the strange insanity the program valvetronix knowledge talks about is not mental illness in the normal sense of that word it has very little to do with my neurons what strange in Santa Fe means to me is that become separated from that which I must not be separated from that lack of power is my dilemma and I must reconnect as I reconnect I will be restored to sanity and that's been the case with me I'm a fearful person I've been afraid as far back as I can remember in my life I wouldn't admit it to you but I'm scared to death that's where my need to control came from Charlie I had to have it my way or it scared me to death and people thought about fear of this and fear of that I've come to believe it's just one fear but it's got a lot of legs like a big octopus you know and that's the way a approaches it that's one piece how do we deal with fear we are growing huh we don't work on it live through it we outgrew it by taking certain actions again the word action I'd love to be afraid about how the Uglies baby you ever saw people ask me I know that nice my mama told me that that's how she said son on the result of the favorite he was born and I wouldn't take you out of house for six weeks use on earth I didn't want to buy to see you and I told us a cab just at one time and he said who that must have been traumatic for you I said no sir wasn't romantic I've seen my baby pictures Mama's right I was ugly as they grew up things didn't get much better I wanted skinny little boys you know I turned sideways i look like a tricycle ready to ride off my shoulder blades protruded out so far and i try to compensate by bringing my shoulders around and then my chest would disappear and mama made me wearing knickers any you folks had to wear knickers my leg was this big in the nikkor hole was this big and is always falling down i hated those knickers some I said me not long those knickers are coming back as the gnome is he and I love freckles on other people then I didn't like him on me I have them all over my body but its top of my head to the soles of my feet I had freckles where people have never reported having freckles I hit like and I'd like being skinny no another day on top of that always want to be a macho man being strong tough my mother had for big brothers they're all macho and the most macho and the bus was my uncle Derwood they called it a desert uncle done it nothing dad was a motorcycle cop back in the days when everyone riding breeches and leather spats up to their knees near the harness across here with silver bullets in it you know in a pearl-handled 38 sitting high on his hip he smelled like gunpowder and shaving lotion a squeaks when he walks and that's much up and you know what all my motto uncle's call me I had this great shock of snow white hair and they all call me Flint hey that's hard to be macho when people called you puddin head and my production was 87 years old night still the most macho men ever known what you know I i remember back when I was riding behind uncle done on that harley-davidson police motorcycle limb arms round him I wasn't afraid little time I went free you know even then you see I needed a higher power uncle Doug was and he is one of my heroes and we need heroes in this program we do not need adults in this program there is a difference idlers poor men and women you know because they've got a gift for speaking or something else would put them up on a pedestal and watch them and demand perfection Amin the first little mistake that they make we destroy them which is the reason you build idols anyway no heroes of people get out there and do it man and they make mistakes they have successes whichever they have s'okay they keep on doing it they get up when they make a mistake and wife the bruises and wipe the blood off himself and they go do it again so I made a mistake God for weren't for you I'd do it all the time heroes of those who accept himself precisely the way that they are that wouldn't be alive tonight worth not for my heroes in this program I don't tell you most of them are dead but they ain't you understand what I mean as long as I walked the face of this earth Bob's alive and Chuck's a lot and Harry's alive you know because they are me understanding they've given me me and not a one on the perfect no and neither am i and you know it's a great relief when I can look at myself and I can say you know tom is one light in you but it's a lot of dark too it's okay i was telling Charlie afternoons and I said to me not long because that some people think you're a saint and some people think your son of a bitch which one are you I said I'm hoping I'm both oh and the way out put it is it's okay to be a dipshit if you can accept the fact that you're a dips yet I hated my mother for years my mother was a very dominant woman my mother would have breathed for me if she could remember I had a bad automobile accident up in West Virginia that in 1964 I did one of wonderful alcoholic things in a blackout I drove under a tractor-trailer I was in traction up there in the hospital for over three months I was unconscious for three weeks and when I came to after three weeks my mother was standing beside the bed and she said the following work son how could you do this to me okay now that gives you reason to blame and hate better and I hated my mother for years you see she tried to relive her life through me now I could get into the blame game and stay in it forever I was my mama's victim he mr. Kairos told me that fight a mama like your that Drake tooth you some I've learned some different thing mom and I got to get along pretty good you know mom was a black belt southern baptists you understand what I maintenance one way to do everything mama get up four thirty in the morning give God his directions for the day she called it praying but I knew better than that you know read ten chapters the Bible called Billy Graham said to do it that way you know he's left past six o'clock the morning you will Center in my house they take some mom didn't know how to overtly express her love last five years of her life she had Alzheimer's and she hugged and kissed me constantly but she never knew but one way to love me and that was to bail me out yeah luisa mother's dead now if I asked my mother to come to this place tonight and die for me my mother would be there yo you're what I'm saying people do not know how to show live in any other way and we assume that they don't like us so they don't love us and you can almost feel them struggling inside you know to to reach out and do it but they've been so indoctrinated in another way they can't do it and I revere my mother I revere her memory she's running head and how God don't have a chance I'll tell you that right now you know he ain't got a chance when mama got there and god what a woman and how powerfully she influenced my life for the good but you know for a long time when I look back at my childhood I couldn't see that all i could ever see with this alcoholic mind of mind you know was what mom and dad it didn't it okay I could see where you fell short I can pick out the shortcomings and everybody here tonight you're an alcoholic you can do that it won't take but a few seconds I can go look at a mirror and do the same thing by the way because it works two ways my childhood wasn't that bad I was born a little textile mill town down in North Carolina everybody on the workers side of the street you know was family to me the people that were management lived on the other side of the street you know in two and three-story houses and we all that house is just a lot but we were finding me I don't mean we had the same names but I mean I ate at your house I slept at your house but misbehave at your house I got punished at your house and punishment was swift and sure there was no abuse to it what they told us in this little milk business before if you do that I whip your ass that's the way they put it I'm sorry and when you did it guess what they did and there was no appeal and that's when i first started hearing mama talk y'all remember mama talk what your mom says to you don't make no sense I will be switching my legs and saying son remember this hurts me worse than it hurts you never have understood that always wanted to say to her mama give me that stick you know let me use it on you I don't want you hurting my and I loved everybody on that block the lady next door was was the best cook on the block and her name was Lena and she's the best eater on the block to later with a heavy woman you know I just love to hug Lena when you hug later you had oppressed in both ear and she run me on the head so I love you pudding and I just go and there wasn't anything sexual about it you know what I mean it was like being enveloped with warm fleshy love I mean if one of us here tonight I again and our son bill jr. wanted little boy the program for self-destruction you know he never saw him less something with broken or stitched or cut or you know if he's within 10 yards of your car you didn't shut the door his hand would be in it and when Bill was taking a bath at this mama turned her back in escape and she come out in front porch they putting these loose again there go build make it as down the street is my job to catch it and then there was John Cuba there was Martha the first a little girl ever played doctor with I've never forgotten her y'all remember playing doctor don't tell me you don't is there are so rare I tell you where we did it in how we did it right now no man Lucas used to come by the house with his old will bear you know wouldn't real bear would wire wheel in front of it may be going down to slop the Hogs he called me an i jumping that will barely ride down to hog pit you know and I go wading in the creek and I catch some crawdads and bright with some cold water out the creek you know and wife was good that when I was kid and sometimes I walk home along that road and I'd like man this is good it did pretty in a tall beautiful when I was a child I was in all of things is this was a wonderful place and I go on the lay down the graph sometimes look up at the sky y'all remember to the name and and say god it's pretty one who made each other that's a nice clown wonder who won we came from wonder where it's going and I give them about my business and you know it's a funny thing in this program the things i believe is a little boy I believe men and the things I rejected as a little boy I still reject it's almost like coming full circle again through the book okay now you stood the movie every Saturday it cost of nonsense the man next door randa theater and popcorn was a nickel a box some of y'all old enough to remember this you won't admit it I know where's your open up and you run out of popcorn sticky box back out that's been the whole did movies Northey 49 cents i see to westerns okay and to good serials like Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers go through the original space man you know and some good cartoons I mean Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig not just monster stuff you see on TV now I could see why leaked out it was one of my role models and I'd sit in that movie in Cowboys with my evil you know every you remember Hopalong Cassidy into Durango kid and sunset Carson and rocky lane and Charles starrett and and Wild Bill Elliott any I remember Wild Bill Elliott more to six guns silver six guns turn pounds you draw down a Wild Bill he's spending all six guns and shoot the guns out of your hands you Cowboys was polite and no they didn't have to blow your guts all over the screen you know what I mean he defend him guns back in there walk off looking old macho not loving and my favorite cowboy was a dude named lasting the roof and they call it last other than you youngins gonna have to watch TBS I'm warning about by four o'clock you might see less and last care of the boat will and when you drew that whole life he whupped the gun out of your hand I mean license cool and I was watching last one day and he stand up on the roof of the saloon you know and it run all the bad guys stand there looking macho you know and he popped his whip and whistled and his horse come running back pop that whip again and he left into the saddle and rode off in the sunset popping that whip and tears come to my I said god that's wonderful look at last and I watched it again and again and again and he was my hero and you gotta emulate your heroes so I went home got my visa road went up all the garage and look like next door had a pony named beauty I said John Hugo sound little beauty a media does that now walking fast enough and I popped my rope when i whistle when i left into the saddle and when I hate you could hurt me scream and myrtle beach south carolina I don't know that was a spiritual experience but I've never forgotten it i'll take ya 30 minutes later where I got my breath back I began to wonder about last moon okay and I used to think in my special place like most of you did you know my was going to China very true with all the change of all throughout and I said I bury my beep thinking I'd be thinking this little boy just kind of watching my thoughts go through my head and I think about my dad my dad is the finest man at one questioner be the sweetest gentlest kindest Judas man I've ever known and I adore him to this day and he's my number-one hero but ever want to be like anybody is like my day and I think about my dad and think about my mother and my sister all my friends and how fortunate I was really I didn't like me but they were nice you know and I think to myself something's missing man I wanna win it but I love ever find it everything's gonna be okay it was like having a big empty place inside of me you know that needed filling Carl Jung had a beautiful way of describing it he said the secret unrest that gnaws at the roots of your being and in the hand is he middle of I was longing for something I'd know where I was longing for and I know today that it was a longing which is very human to reconnect with that with creatively I know that and to me that's the essence of spirituality along to connect with the one who pretty now will tell you this i don't usually tell about well tonight sunday mornings around my house with a black belt southern baptists mother or a real site when you back you go to church all the time you know me and certainly morning mama put on her wall plug that's what i call she always wore dark blue or black dress which made me believe that God loved our coach you know and Mama go in the bedroom and I will put on a corset I'm telling a girl I'm coming of course it one thing you strain you up in the back and Mama B and I can hear like all the breath out and stringing a bit cautious we share a 40 with hormones you should swing that thing I'll throw that black dress come out that room could not busy could move number the head look like a buzzer sitting on a fence you know I said hold on what you did you're good-looking woman would you do that for his mom talked my cause it's sunday I figured out a smart kid side of main church jerk me God God does not want my mother to breathe on son I was betting that little wooden badly church one Sunday morning I was nine years old and all of a sudden out of nowhere is like the nicest warmest shouting down around the outer felt in my life and I started crying and children start spreading all over me and I said to myself whatever it would have been missing and missing the water isn't yet and i hope this feeling he never goes away so real spiritual experience I don't need to tell you how many times I went back to church and said next time you see make sure to wear the same creature same choir set aside same mother who can breathe and it never happened again when I was 15 years old I've got some of the finest tasting stuff I've ever had in my life the label on the bottle said cream of Kentucky it's incredible how our part of direction from the beginning for his drinking was concerned when the cab driver bought us this foul stuff I said to my friend and head Baker again what do we do with this stuff he said tell me you drink the water glass selling as fast as you can maintain glass of water can you do to you I stood in find the bathroom mirror and I watched my take my first friend and I can picture it now ok yeah whatever there's like the nicest warmest shot and I said to myself this is it I'm never gonna leave it out this stuff again how many all felt their life see the effects of what is historically been called spirits is a spiritual experience I love it when people say alcoholics are trying to escape the reality we running from this we're running from that maybe we are but mainly we learn and after that feeling again and I'll say to myself this time it will be different this time by just handle it right I'm going to be able to control and enjoy my drinking which as I understand it about obsession of every abnormal drinking island one we blacked out the first night at the Town Hall of 16 or 17 I was being locked up in the wake county jail a very regular basis my daddy on the board of deacons for 50 years my mother hostess of the tabernacle baptist church and I'm appearing all those social pages you know drunk and disorderly honking distant drunk and that I never ever remember being locked up a single time but I remember coming to in jail every time and he's kept on for about a panel of 23 years old at over a thousand stitches taken in my face home as a result agreement and I showed us that Alcoholics Anonymous but I showed up believing in magic wanting an instant fix hurting and what they've done now and it came about all it's an almost like had always done everything else is get in here and get it fixed and get it over with and move on to whatever's next I got a good mind I always had a good mind and that was almost my downfall because in school it was easy for me I could memorize and picture my notes my mind you know when I took a test that just met rose in my mind of what was on the paper I went through college with a 3.94 average and I was president of everything old Solar City College Choir head home gasps man who's who among students in American universities and colleges junior senior outstanding biblical student that's pretty good for not and I've got 7,000 the time and I've learned nothing but it was that facade that stage care to the book died a good one at a good luck finding you that way an intellectual correct now sought 12 steps on one placards and prohibitions on another and a gasp ended up front with a blue book and everybody was listening to him and I said all I got booze memorized what's their memorized was there memorized wasn't that big blue book and they'll put me up front and I'll be in charge about it don't tell me you haven't felt the same hotel me know cuz I like control even to this day okay and I know if I for the birth of life into this room tonight everybody India go for the steering wheel alamance first phone and I memorized it and I can quote large portions of the book to you right now but I no longer have to and that's one of the great freedom as long as I was just a phase cat that was part of my front for the next seven years with all this moment and listen to me you idiot after he fingers the longest that's the drives 89 days and 70 here now are those 89 days because of North Carolina would give out a red poker chip when you've been sober 90 days now got one I nice to grow up a chip box after the meeting and steal the damn banks I was so sick of 8 i'm so sick of being on nobody or nothing and that red chip would make me somebody now I know it doesn't it's a symbol that's all it was nothing going on inside that symbol means absolutely nothing but it took one enough pasted on the 90th day on calendar and a very gingerly went over all the steps and pick the one I figured would do it for me it was the meditation party 11 step I knew that afraid I'm a bad machine I prayed my ass off all my life and I'm you have to do that I found out in the great meditators work and then he's got to shave all health & age you know where these arms backwards and fold up their legs really funny and sit down on the ground and champa now mind you that's an ancient and honored and wonderful tradition I'm not knocking it well when the dentist idiot transit and I wasn't interested in the process of discipline don't tell me about discipline I saw the results I always wanted the results without making the effort I'm too vain shave all hair on my head I couldn't find an orange bathrobe anywhere and so I will evolve blue Terry Falls drinking liquor bathrobe with cigarette burns and killed one your brother had one you know and I broken my leg so many times driving my car in the veins that you're not supposed to drive into that I could get into lotus position but I could yeah plus it hurt I give a light to help me in the most position I was gonna chant my way to surprise me by God I don't know much about God and today I don't think it's very necessary that I do I think you guys meant to be talked to and not talk about God incomprehensible intellectually and yet in my heart I can be closer to him than anybody on the face of this earth and I was more upon a dream the guy's got a sense of humor I'm seeing now stand up there looking down on him and Peter you know he says Peter there he is again and Peter says who God he said pudding him he eat you down there to squat it down again he'll get a little dirty bath role of which is your bitter thing I smell to clear up here and tell me Peter whooping on anyway 89 days i chanted it on the 90th day I rested people gave up hope on me I missing ugly people now hot and I'm under these people ever seen my profane all I was ugly they talked in circles they were stupid and he called the whole time his overall Burlington North Carolina named Bill scenes you want my heroes today I called him Grundy I hate his judge he wait for me it means she's an addict but he's like seems like so many door his fingers built me boy how you doing oh and I got it I'm fine and he backed me into the corner and tell you now that's good no any talking circles and make a better spent but you can't think your way to go baby you gotta live your way if you're thinking I think you myself shut up you little bastard I'm smarter than you are I'm saying things will come out skater and by helping me always runnin out looking for job got any loss oh I love that one gravatar you'd better help me yeah I'd beyond help so the one whoops yet nice to call for help when it was too late I'll never do that test pattern go out on TV you know and all the liquors don't yet it's time for help now I call over everyone won by three o'clock the morning let me say a word for the servers that bore don't you call me drunk again is in my back now if you ever call me here if you only get sober you know where we need no probably to come get you you can walk as the type i don't care if you ever get sober I'm very sensitive person that hurt my feet and I trust him for everything okay here and I black him today and you never change the last time I saw him he was dying of cancer and I walked into his hospital room enough in silver 16 years and down came the finger and he said boy you'll never make it yeah I wish we had more profits around it was a no BS guy well I drank all enjoy I guess it couldn't drink anymore and came to owner about July twentieth nineteen sixty-five MSA owner vows does my wife and I hit my sobriety they could need one of his dogs don't stress over and I'm you're kidding drinkin and you couldn't quit and you have known that I was a college professor was about to lose my job I was on five years probation at two years on the chain gang I was never supposed to drive a car in the state north carolina and a walk i made a profit out of running a walk back down partner like James Taylor said morning songs I guess my feet nor any more me to do god bless my feet my dad kept me entro not feed brought me to you know any my hated that you could help me with something rugby was later to tell me the only time I ever been right now I smell drunk yep coming back I came too late my left earlier and same thing you're not scared ft I was more scared of God I figured driver's wife human beings you know where all the stuff I've not he must hate me and Egypt where does that mean a chance he did God not that one such a thorn you can people started saying we graduate you when we need you many make me shiver we love you both dr. scary and I thought if they knew me they wouldn't be saying this and I didn't have to walk in the morning they found out I was walking and a car pulled up in front my house every single night and the horn would blow us off to a meeting they call me strangers called me I didn't have to call them what changing in alcoholics Anonymous too many times I look around a group and I see the people in the meeting giving the job they're member and saying call me ain't do that yeah the members called the one who needed to help think about it was called through sponsorship because it's still a lot of an Indiana and I stayed single for a while I got walking around one night I saw this guy in the meeting I like the way he moved not gonna lie about it I was impressed by his clothing and by his Lincoln Continental and by his big cigar too but the thing that impressed me the most was this man seemed to be walking what he was talking and I he's up here one night and I said I'm Tom and I don't want to die would you be my sponsor and he turned on me and for this finger makes it boy I've heard about you they tell me we're not just an alcoholic they tell me you're crazy but I'll help you on one condition I said what's that I said we'll do it my way and I don't know but one way it's in the book alcoholics moms you won't do that for and I said how do you believe this yes sir up until that point in time anyone who told me anything like that would get probably accidentally and I said yes sir and then he got stupid on me you ever notice how you sponsor seemed so wise and all-knowing and ask them to be a sponsor to go stupid on you immediately when he said also company in German don't you shake everybody's hand and ask them how they're doing I said all the time to beat injure it almost check then okay i doing i just don't want to die and why do i have to do that is there for you don't ask me why you do what I tell you to do so bring these people fill out of treatments in this map and they've had a counselor and if the views a sponsor for the counselor to the around the folks I got a master's degree in counseling hope you're impressed by that because I'm not and if I told you to do that account of my Knights table would be how does that make you see my sponsor didn't you ever have he should have many good same shit and no one cared more for my feelings than he did but he knew that no matter how I felt here we go again no matter what I thought about what he told me following directions were the key because it meant i had surrendered and you talk to me about surrender all night and the most beautiful word you want to if you ain't following directions you ain't surrendered and I didn't know I'd surrender that was beautiful night but I know about screwed up after you run down him to think thank God for that hey they repaid you so and so as I said that's a happy to it as I can't remember one sentence when i get to the neck and he still was son don't you just read it one sentence and think about a little bit you have been demanding more of yourself than you could give your entire life why don't you cut yourself some slack damith a novel that for a perfectionist morning mothered me and I went my shake hands and I would look at the floor I hope to god I've never forget this I didn't touch people people scared me and I will shake your hand and I looking at beat themselves and ankles few weeks I saw some shins you know mentioned five instant hips beautiful hips Oh God and then after a few more weeks I was looking at I and a little glad to see if I could care how they were doing you what happened it's like the nicest warmest shock as always guarded and then I kind of softening you know to get deep breath like I'm home it asked me to read my could not cry so let me pick up a story and ended up clean carpet up there real coffee cups and let me watch though it was fantastic to me they allow me and before you know what I'm walking around with the key to a baptist church in my pocket how's that for drawing little stuffing 90 but bigger stuff and one day I'm says it's working to college and all of a sudden it dawned on me probably never one of the joints in over three months not cry where else to do and I didn't know why that was that I had something to do with my following directions I'm feeling that something beautiful we were talking about the first step in a meeting all cheers uniting people were talking about how they took the third step they got on their knees with their sponsors it was beautiful and everything I thought I wish I could remember you know I wish man had been that beautiful and classic but it wasn't when I took the first step I said on the side of my bed my red that prayer over and over and over and over again cuz I scared to death i missed a convoy appearing I've got and now I want to sponsor somebody out you know my knees woman with crap you see but it he he he doing it perfectly you perfection it's the willingness to me Shepherd discount my sponsor kept saying we got another stranglings effort result effort result Everett result you don't understand despair of the way of life and then do it you do it then you might understand it he's right it was never on a new things he told me just to prove him wrong I went through the steps of going mr. direction that's only you let me do it and I remember sitting in you know a chapel I'm st. Simons Island Georgia one day after I've taken a seven step and I was looking up at the stained glass window and it was the carpenter you know and there's no cost and fall came in my mind where's the cost no topic has been removed Tom yours has to cry I didn't get a few experimental budget that told me a man things are different something's working for you whatever it is people doing it and I continue this day another style I looked at the altima now online and had almost up to discover that the Ottoman eyes the natural high and it's called sobriety we did a who it's so much to be learned and there's so much to do I used to be impressed so impressed with the major principles let's talk about absolute last omnomnom not absolute honesty it's taught about absolute purity the hell is that and I've gotten away from that I go through my life every day and I try to make no difference in the way that I pre urinated into people out on the street no difference in those of working with and those I'm working for an assembly try to be as nice and kind and gentle and considerate as I can possibly be in my definition of success has changed elemental online at wyndham I wouldn't mind having an online identity but don't need a by defense with my head on the pillow tonight and say Tom did you try to be kind gentleman polite and considerate to everyone today and I can say yes and I'm going to unqualified success in a spiritual sense in an area in the water that matters and life is changed did you see this club step program in case you hadn't noticed it defines the most effective life-changing program on prezi gotcha I follow directions and all of those promises I used to think that what happened to me would change any others like that way and I get mad because bad things were still happened to me and you know it's not what happens to me in this life that matters is my reaction to that makes the dirt in the Fox Charles when your difficulty of any Candice recession i gave it mentally and the attitude that they taught it in my little thought that completely determinant effective last five years of my life of that bitch that six or seven surgeries went on for caption warming i adore walked out on me almost went bankrupt I've got emphysema high blood pressure deplane Istanbul free bite us on a walking time bomb and after she walked out on me I I won't stop is like my heart of life walked out when she walked out and I realized again how easy it was for me because of the kind of person I am to put all my eggs in somebody else's basket and I was hurting my supposed to get Alzheimer's also and my mom's got all the time was not this time and I'm thinking god what's going to happen next and I call this guy has the money to sponsor happens overall in here but I love him hes this is down to earth with speak and his elf cow helping a few months but I soaked it was funny so I'm not capable sponsoring anybody right now I really sick he said I know he said leave hey Tom I can't solve your problems that run around looking to answered my problem I can't answer you but but wouldn't go to leave me man I said I won't go to make me he said I swear you anointed and you need to get out of yourself you need to work with some other people I've got to turn loose everybody I was sponsoring calallen cables monstermouth crazy and he said you need a couple of get a couple of my quick I so don't want that he said good reason go go and in what we write back to the basics of this program and it started to live about the time exists my mother died and his woman that I door killed herself in the head on collision and the woman that I called my mother could also closer in a I called him a second mother died and you know I mean did not want my brother I told you I thought about that but not Frankie you got somethin out on LA because Santa to have been restored is what this program all about it's like everything else is icing on the cake you know the obsession to drink which is not bad thank God and unless I hate to say all those horror was good for me it's softened the mission and it humbled me and I got amigo decides New York City and then humbly and it made me closer to God and I've ever been in my life scares me sometimes not long ago my son's in programming for years over full board during today you get introduced to be at a meeting he says that the man is speaking to us tonight the finest man I know he's my hero being a father his dad mine who adored me in outdoor until I was 18 years old judge gave me a choice you know I could go to jail or it goes to service and I got patriotic get hurt and dad sitting down to put me on the bus for the Air Force and while he was telling me how much you love you had his hand when I firmly on my foot pushing me up on that play he warned me out of the book and dad died with cancer and I had the opportunity to sit with him and watch him suffer and it was horrible and it was blessing the more than before he died he rolled over and he says to me have I got it done I said yes sir he said when I said the doctor says real soon does that scare you and he said yeah they sell learned a long time ago when you're afraid to get the fear to gotten go back bitch they'd look me dead in the eye and said son I love you you want the finest man I have ever known then not long ago some people in the group not just one with three or four you know Tom you're the sweetest kindest gentlest man we've ever known when you hug us you just ooze love I said leave because I had aided me for so many years that if you told me you loved me I give you five or six of 10 region 27 if you told me I've done a good job I gave you three or four reasons why I should have done better I was my own worst enemy mind our life I treated me so bad if anybody else had treated me that way I would have killed my deepest please doctor that was my home wait for me which I projected home sitemap I'm very careful now because when I can pick out about here that I don't want if I look very closely I realize it's here just my share thank God for this problem oh my god for the dumps are putting to get up and God for you i love you but I think I may know some of you better than you know yourself is like my sponsor me of me better that's the way it's supposed to be not a preacher of a guru little philosopher design the top I got a heart full but I'm willing to share any time to anyone who will listen I've learned about love in this program it's funny in our country love means a combination of hormones and emotions you know you see that stronger across the crowded room you know auntie say Oh spiritual relationship six months later when the hormones are you wake up and look at her and say who's this bitch and you know that's not the cattle well they're talking about in this program it's all about spiritual rug and spiritual one of me responsible actions toward you based on care respect and concern for you and acceptance of your just as you are it means I'll help you when I like you and I might hit your death from about their and healthy the opposite of spares or weather's not hey it is a pathetic it is in action collection it's taking what the school around here and sitting on your ass with it as it over in love I've creates nothing else creates below I'm a creation of you know and and I was recreated by love I was born and reborn in love and I've been regenerated by la menor Eve nothing else and I'm lyin I'm dyin and that's okay in the moment it's okay to me of the mole of God didn't move in and increase the line and decrease the darkness doctor I to get out of the way what is God's will for me it is to do the very best at what it is that I'm doing right now I'm spend a lot of time wondering about what God really whatever it is I'm doing i'm driving a nail I'm on to I'll good nail his life has to be simple for me now I have a friend in Alabama he gave me a tape one time of a singer named Eddie children and she said it's unmistakable and me of you and I'd like you to listen to it and I was a dirty I'd like to close with tonight as if it were a dialogue between me and my two daughters and my son and mom oh if I remember the words I liked it shares with if it says over melvis daughter's name crystal he said they wanted to find a secret slut think I am because all the people you see here tonight cannot give you gettin you home but they're appalled isn't what really matters it's what I can feel them their hearts and the tonight I made dreamers of some we lost them or make plans with a few who were scared off is when you believe it we came here a critic and I told him that somebody cared and Christy always feel famous so I'm not seen on TV I get all the attention my ego can handle doing this live and for free you see I do it my daughter's Francis's daddy why are you lonely that's the Francis I guess I am because there are some people I mr. my adoring here to give me a hand but you know when some ways are closer than the people out on my front row and if I'm quiet I can hear Grumpy's heart beating them and say Chuck see driving this car and their preachers and poets that I never meant like Bill Wilson the veteran gone far so I'm alone but I'm not really lonely I just got a group of Kingston they give me all the companionship my face can handle doing this talking with me they say they didn't is talking and jason says but daddy I think you're crazy I said Jason that's what keeps me sane I was going with a strange sense of humor to go with a strong sense of pain and I found that there's nothing so serious that I can't hold its own in the joke so I made smaller stories about people suffering and laugh about losing my hat made people think up your talk without answers to the tease I really am but also love things that are simple the smile is the last thing you'll see on the face of this crazy or alcohol laughing out loud because on me I'll laugh like this because I'm first and my mother in the southern babysitting for Tommy did you love Jesus mr. mama didn't show she said I've been listening you for an hour and frankly I got sleepy the garlic we did you'd be famous big contracts with Christian TV you'd be so well along that you never get lonely you never be crazy or weird but you got to give up they can talk through our answers y'all to shave off your beard not so I love them too much that you sure found at different than me cuz I did my best and I do it like you cuz he did it

AA Speaker Tom B Jr. – "Surrender to Win"

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